WHERE THE RESOLUTIONS GO!!!

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After looking for my birth Certificate all over the office I had to bring the search back home to my apartment. It was that piece of paper that stood between me and a trip to Kampala. I would need it to process my very first passport. One reason why I had to go for this trip is Seleena,my official wife had told all her friends during their Chama that her husband would be flying overseas for some official reasons.

I had also fixed a place for Seleena to accompany Rafiki TV staff to cover the Africa cup of Nation qualifier, the main reason she offered to turn the house upside down and inside out to look for my birth Certificate.

When I heard Seleena Laughing her lungs off like a lunatic from the sitting room I knew she had found the document. She was laughing out of disbelief, not knowing who to trust between that damn paper and me. When I told Seleena that I was 29, I had already subtracted ten from my real age and my baby face backed me up pretty well. “I can explain everything” I exclaimed though I had no idea what to tell Seleena to make her believe that men of ill intentions had hacked the system and inflated my age.

The score was at a tie when I found the paper on which Seleena had penned down her New Year resolution way back in January. It was neatly folded under the couch where she sat during meals. Seleena knew pretty well that she had never followed any of her resolutions but she kept on writing them every New Year anyway. Reading this, you would drop dead laughing if you knew Seleena well. Here are the highlights of her 2018 resolutions;

On top of the list was the declaration: ‘I have to shed off some weight this year’. Simply written and capped with a prayer hands emoji. I finally understood why she would disappear just before sunset only to show up soaked in sweat and panting like a stallion. Seleena had also tampered with our menu heavily reducing the days we ate beef to two. This was necessary because the last time I checked she had hit a staggering 84 kilos. So dangerous that she did this for a better part of January due to financial constraints, before she gave up. By the beginning of March she had slowly returned to our old menu, even adding sushi and milk shake.

She had also resolved that she would spend less time online. Since I bought her that Infinix she carries everywhere. This has made her an online citizen from Snapchat to Whatsapp as she seeks to make up for all the time she spent offline before she became a full time netizen. Seleena would escort me to bed, watch me fall asleep then get online for half the night. I remember waking up in the middle of a night to find Seleena pretending to be dead asleep yet her last seen on Whatsapp was a minute ago. When she joined her 36th whatsapp group and became an active member of Kilimani Mums, Kenya’s online supreme court,something had to be done. Seleena was so thrilled with Facebook that she came all the way to the office confronting me on why I had not accepted her friend request.

‘I have to make our family bigger’ was third on her list not knowing I already had enough mouths to feed already. Perhaps that was why she brought in her distant cousin Saumu. This girl was fresh from form four and had all qualities needed to drive any man crazy. I had applied all self control modus operandi to avoid any unfortunate event that would put her on the family way by first telling Seleena the truth that her cousin was pushing her luck too far. The next thing I did was to bring in Tony my brother to stay with us this way I would reduce the chances of being alone with Saumu because I knew the devil too well. Even in the holy book it is written where the devil can’t reach he sends in a woman,no wonder Eve was used to get to Adam.

Tony also turned out to be a firebrand womanizer he reminded me of my younger days when I was a womanizer emeritus. He had Saumu on his laps at just day two. When I suspected that so much would be happening right under my nose I served them both with orders to return to their parents. Seleena and I now had all the time to grow our family with our own kids.

My eyes darted through the rest of the resolutions, most of which were clichés every woman knew by heart. Things like –I want to think out of the box to stay independent. The last resolution was about something I had suspected ever since I knew Seleena. “I have to get Dickson out of my life”. Dickson was the first friend Seleena had when she crossed over from Islam. They go to the same church and he is my junior at work. I was not too naïve to notice that he was making moves trying to woe Seleena but I had kept it all to myself. With this piece of paper as evidence I wanted to sue Dickson at the Supreme Court shortly after tampering with his face.

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