WEEKDAY WEDDING

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Bottomline: As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.

The moment you are besieged your 6th sense comes in handy,thoughts of how to maneuver tricky waters on an overloaded boat without capsizing come in fast. Even if it capsizes you are bound to swim to the nearest island,get hold of any floating wreckage or be rescued by a nearby coast guard patrol as long as you make it out alive with minimum scars and scratches.

Having promised themselves my hand in marriage on the assumption that I was a community boyfriend and fiance, the fear of my wedding ceremony ending in disarray was very high thus I couldn’t take any chances considering the capabilities of the people who were dating me without me dating them.

My wedding was 100% likely to end in a scuffle at least if I was to be lucky ,however, assuming all factors remaining constant under room temperature and pressure chaos and confusion were likely to walk hand in hand up to the pulpit as I was about to exchange the wedding vows.I was not going to take chances,don’t get me wrong am not the president of baby daddies in this part of the world ,am just well informed that when an African woman decides to seek revenge even the devil takes a stool to sit down and take notes.

No man should take chances yes the humiliation that comes with an aborted wedding can’t be explained neither through words nor emotions maybe through diagrams and illustrations.What will I tell my in-laws? What will I tell my clansmen?, on a second thought I realize I don’t owe these two cohorts of people we know each other any explanation. What will I tell my parents? What did I owe the wedding wreckers for them to come collect during my wedding procession?

Finally there is her, yes the woman of the moment, you all know weddings aren’t for the man in fact all men are forced to take part in this ritual or-else they will know no peace throughout their lives.What explanation will I give her for the melee that brought her lifetime embarrassment considering she had bragged to her clique of friends how she was the first one to be married leaving them in the singleton corner with no hope of getting out anytime soon considering the battalion of jokers who masqueraded as ‘potential’ suitors.

The emotional torture that follows is likely to send her to depression, unlike men who reason out issues women tend to feel.To avoid a potential wedding scuffle that will be noisy,chaotic with many casualties I had to think fast to avert this life threatening calamity.

A considerable amount of resources had been committed towards this once in a lifetime investment there was no way one or two or simply three , OK let me put the figure at around four lets just make it six to avoid any second guesses. Scorned members of the female species who feel I have disappointed them in many ways by not marrying them ruin such a colorful event in front of the clergy,colleagues,relatives and prospective in laws, what will I tell people ‘Nitaambia watu nini’.

In a bid to confuse my enemies, both real and perceived I carefully orchestrated a master plan which was to be rolled out in 3 Killer phases to limiting eyes and ears to the trusted few.At first I wanted to go to the marriage registrar at the Attorney General office with two witnesses, I pick one she picks the other.

This plan was dead on arrival she wanted a public display of a wedding that can be featured in a wedding show if necessary, with the help of her mother who wanted to send a strong message to her age-mates that her daughter was the first amongst equals in her generation to have a glamorous church wedding. Not forgetting the clergy who wanted to take part in officiating the wedding, the Attorney General-Marriage Registrar arrangement had given them a blank cheque.

As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.

The first phase of resource mobilization involved very few friends who will be part of the wedding lineup and family members the rest will come from my savings account any deficit thereafter will be sorted out by her,yes she has to contribute something towards her wedding as for me am fine with any arrangement as long as I slipped through the dowry negotiation process with a battered wallet .The wedding she wants, the resources she avails full stop…..

The second phase involved publicity of the wedding, blowing hot and cold depending on who was asking.In some circles it was a rumor which was to be treated as a rumor in others it was a serious wedding to be attended at all costs, that was according to my side or so I thought to avoid information pervasiveness to my enemies, the wedding wreckers so I had to confuse them as much as possible.

On her side she was inviting anyone and everyone in her circle of friends something that was out of my control. I had to work something out, to control the flow of information so as to obtain the desirable result.Yes the printer,the guy we gave the tender, almost forgot meant the job to print the wedding cards and programme.

I convinced him to provide the soft copy on the eve of the wedding and the hard copies of the invitation cards a day to the wedding as a ‘surprise’ to the bride. It worked perfectly it curbed the forwarding on Whats-app by the time my enemies got wind of the wedding I was en route to Nassau,Bahamas for the honeymoon.

The final phase was setting up the date, yes the date is very important. To make a public wedding a private invite only ceremony, simply do a weekday wedding on either a Tuesday or Wednesday with specific preference for Terrific Tuesday it never disappoints. Only those who had purposed to attend the wedding will purposely attend those who come to remove mistakes here and there wont make it.

This not only confuses your enemies but it also inconveniences them providing no room for launching a surprise counter attack and just like that the wedding is successful. Forget having maximum attendance and gifts as long as people who matter were present,people who matter don’t care and people who care don’t matter. Boom game over the wedding is a success,pop up the champagne any question-no question thank you; next order of business please……

 

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