Bottomline: It had only been a month since we broke up yet this girl was already being posted everywhere I hadn’t been posted ever even on my birthdays.
So today am travelling. Its always an excitement being out of school premises during the weekend. Its my first time to travel this far for just two days. Transport alone will be two thousand shillings but lucky for me,my host offered to cost share.
I had been yearning for this day all week. Yesterday I had my best friend who is damn good at fashion trends, help me decide on what to wear while am away for such engagements. Picking out outfits, modify some,so that I can rock in them. Her choices were amazing,of course, because the next day,all eyes would be on me as I make my way to the bus stop. Days like this selfies come in handy before handing the phone to her to take full pics not wanting an inch of my outfit left out.It’s sunny so the pictures were more than perfect.
On my way people were reacting to a certain status update I had posted the previous night. A meme of course, there I was hurriedly responding to them until I clicked on this one conversation without looking at whom it was from.
I always freak out when talking to him, either on text or voice calls. He isn’t really huge or violent, he is like 5 years older than me,striking looks,good talker, extraordinary dancer, pretty good lover. Its how things ended that stirred up the fear and guilt whenever I see him.
I lost him to someone we ain’t even together at the moment. It was how he dropped the bombshell that makes me lack the courage to look him in the eye. It was good while we were at it. He was funny, the conversations were natural,good dresser but I somehow wanted more than just being a trophy girlfriend. I wanted someone to show me out to the world that was where I knew I had wished wrongly.
“Maybe I just need you to show me more love,post me once in a while,send me random love texts, take me out,we could even just talk without necessarily having to make everything be about hitting the sheets.” This was the response I gave when he asked why I had been so off with him lately.
Plainly, he just looked at me and uttered the words. He had just woke up that day already decided that he didn’t love me anymore. He wanted to throw it all away. I had done nothing wrong so I got even more confused. Had he been thinking about it all this while we were together? Does that explain why he never took me out or posted me in his social media handles? Am I that unattractive? Myriad of questions ran through my mind helplessly standing shuttered in tears.
As the journey continued, I was viewing my contacts status updates when I got to his. A video of a girl dancing with love emojis as the caption. The rest were their pictures each with a love emoji. They looked happy. At the mall,at the park, in the house;this girl has been given it all. She has my life. My heartbeat was unusually fast with uncontrollable tears coming from my eyes.
The person seated next to me in the matatu looked at me before asking what was wrong. Unable to speak, I just sob silently. He shrugs and murmurs ” “Wasichana wa siku hizi ata hatuwaelewi. Vijana wamewaharibu kabisa.” It wasn’t really the perfect thing I wanted to hear at the time but this is Kenya,you don’t just cry over breakups expecting your parents to offer a shoulder to lean on.
It had only been a month since we broke up yet this girl was already being posted everywhere I hadn’t been posted ever even on my birthdays. She had earned it just like that. It is sad to see him happy with someone else. Maybe it was how he said “I love you” that I miss,maybe it is how he looked at me,maybe its how I felt with him…just maybe. It would have been useful had it been mutual but clearly it wasn’t. He has moved on. Maybe I should try doing so too….