Marriage is the most difficult relation in this world, unlike dating where partners only show the good side of themselves. Ladies have the ability to chameleon their true colors during the dating period only for their real self to resurface immediately the ring is placed on the ring finger. This is when men ask Jesus of Nazareth how the hell did I end up with this person.Here are the kind of women we marry;
Transformer; this is the kind of woman every man whether in his right or wrong senses wishes to marry, she is every mans dream. They are the women who bring positive changes to a man’s life. They cover your weaknesses with their strengths as they magnify your strengths with their abilities. They change your closet making you more presentable; contribute financial towards joint family investments such as land,farming,real estate and school fees.They offer alternative ideas and care making one a better person thus your net body weight increases from 58 Kgs to 68 Kgs as she maintains your steady diet. She turns the house into a home, the children are well taken care of, all your friends and relatives are free to visit at all times.
Dictator; bossing you around as if she is the husband and you are the wife.When she speaks you listen you are turned into a yes mam zombie.She is the one who makes the rules,budget and determines who gets what and when. She forces you to do the dishes and laundry or else you will sleep on the couch,if you refuse to buy her shenanigans she clean sweeps your house goes back to her parents home.After a series of blackmail messages you compromise for the sake of your children and opt to go get her back only to be met by a battalion of aunts who give you unlimited ultimatums which have dire financial implications. She drives as you sit on the passenger seat when you are lucky enough, when you aren’t lucky enough you use public transport, a matatu as she uses your car, yes your car to the same destination.
Trophy Wife; the forever young type who is there to be seen. She doesn’t do dishes or laundry for the fear of breaking her nails.Cooking isn’t her thing as onions make her shed tears, the cooking oil might burn her face as hot water might peel her skin off.Changing pampers makes her sic and your child regular cries are your problem . She can’t breastfeed as her breasts will sag forcing you to buy baby formulas and cow milk yet you wonder why your child has cowish tendencies when he grows up. You are the one who carries the child everywhere in a breathable Hipseat baby carrier like a Kangaroo. She uses her parents name after refusing to take up your name even hyphenating it. Her social media handles indicate that she is single as she replaces your face with an emoji or crops you out of any photo you took together. She will never put you as her whats app DP (Display Photo) or status even when its your birthday. Her work is to look good alongside you at functions.
Relative Hater; she believes all your relatives are bad from your mother to your younger brother. They are all nuisances that should should be eliminated with immediate effect.Only her family members deserve to be helped by both of you as they are the good ones. Your mother becomes both a bother and a burden who shouldn’t come visiting even when she seeks specialized treatment in the city. Your children are also banned from visiting your mother, their grandmother as she is a witch who will put a combination of black magic and African Chemistry concoctions in their food killing them instantly.
Spendthrift; she turns you to a shopping voucher and a walking ATM always demanding for financial favors more so when it comes to unnecessary expenditure such as shopping trips with her girls to Dubai, holiday get away to the south coast and going out with girls. You bankroll all her expenditure yet you are not in her list of favorite people, in fact you are at the bottom of the pyramid when it comes to the people she loves hanging around with.Apart from your financial muscle you have nothing else to offer.
Security is very tight; she is the possessive one who calls you more than 20 times a day wanting to know where you are? with whom? What are you doing? and Why are you doing it? She has placed the 6 am to 6 pm curfew rule. You are supposed to be in the house by 6 pm and you are only allowed to leave not earlier than 6 am. She monitors all your social media posts liking all your comments on other perceived ‘prospective’ husband snatchers to remind you that she is watching your moves closely eliminating any form of competition. She checks your phone every hour going through everything in general from your phone book,whats-app,messenger to notes as she seeks to find any smoking gun to any clandestine activity.
Chatter box; she has those never ending mood swings always throwing unnecessary tantrums as she picks useless fights here and there turning minor things into major arguments and bone of contention. She makes you to come in your house early in the morning and leave early, you arrive at 2 am and leave by 5 am to avoid getting into unnecessary arguments. You leave your work at 4 pm only to stay at the nearest drinking spot till 2 am only to sleep at the couch when you return.Your house is turned into Kaduna state with your wife being the Boko Haram commander in charge of regular raids.
Schemer; a master planner who works around your payslip, all she earns belongs to her and herself all her financial commitments real or perceived will be taken care by your salary be it her salon bills, gym expenses or those merry go rounds ‘chamas’ that you will never hear that it was her turn to receive nor see where the proceeds are invested. She always quotes the 53 Bible verses on the husband being the provider the favorite being 1 Peter 3:7 “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered”,anytime you ask her to foot any bill even the monthly garbage collection fee which is less than Ksh 1000/=.
Jezebel; like her biblical namesake she has the ability to make you the most hated person not only in your village but also in your clan by extension. No matter how well you might try to portray yourself. She has zero chills she hates everyone who happens to have any type of relation with you be it your friends,relatives,parents or workmates. She locks herself in the master bedroom whenever you have visitors forcing you to take a refresher course in kitchen economics from your bachelor days praying that you won’t cook poison for the visitors putting salt in tea and sugar in rice. You may be forced to lie to your visitors that she is sick as you try to save face for both of you. She is a master implementer of the divide and rule policy as she has the ability to turn all your children against you making you to age bitterly in solitude.
Token; she only loves you when you have money, however, the moment you start experiencing those financial hiccups that push you to the financial off peak season you are no longer bae/babe/honey/hubby. Your title quickly changes from hubby to that person I live with. She despises you,uses parables when she wants to send you a message and cuts off any verbal communication instead she opts to use your children like traditional messengers to carry information to you with the go tell your dad the gas needs refill. Her madness is temporary until you get to your normal financial positioning, the noise comes down she humbles herself, comes back to earth and just like that; Abracadabra you are now being called all the sweet names in alphabetical order babe,bae,honey and hubby until you run out of cash before she switches off to her default token settings just like The Kenya Power tokens. Her love ends where your money ends…