THE MILLENNIAL: CUPCAKES FOR BREAKFAST

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Bottomline:  the picture perfect couple that has us drooling over their Instagram page. They are so sweet that simply looking in their direction can give you a cavity. They own a joint YouTube channel where they document their daily escapades, luxurious vacations all served with a side of their couple morning routine.
It’s the last chapters of December, so that means you will be sitting in sweaty wedding receptions with uncomfortable chairs more often than you bargained for. Millennials are obsessed with rushed, last-month-of-the-year weddings because procrastination is a global concept that has been embraced, so why not? In this all time rush to end the year with a bang on a high note, we all wonder, who are these people trying to close the year with, ‘funga mwaka’ with a spouse.
Couple goals: Matching madness
It’s the twenty first century, so the saying ‘having your cake and eating it too’ would be termed as cliché. However, our Couple Goals take cliché to a whole new level, with matching outfits plastered with the most obnoxious statements (his queen, her king). They do everything together, then post the receipts on social media to be feasted on by the public, with #14WeeksandGoingStrong caption at the base of their pictures. They look up to Beyonce and Jay Z, so you will probably get videos of them on Snapchat singing along to ‘drunk in love’. The selfie cum photo shoot frenzy is only punctuated by long winding testaments of their undying love together (including but not limited to haters, slow data network, long phone calls and sabotaging exes).
Team struggle: bedsitters and bedbugs
In a cramped up bedsitter in some over packed building, blasting ‘started from the bottom now we here’ is our next profile couple, team struggle. They know all about ‘kwa mathe’ , mum’s place because that’s where they have been eating since they finished university. They have big dreams, so there are plasters of before and after pictures of celebrities saved in their phones to full memory. Aside from their 9-5 jobs, they also scour the internet for ‘get rich quick’ sites. All is not in vain though, at some point though, they might have use for all quotes on hard work, but for now…
Partners in crime: The ’18 Bonnie and Clyde
They are the couple on the rage about El Chapo and his wife. They probably have matching tattoos, matching leather jackets or both. They obsess over gory art so it’s quite possible that either one or both has a skull with flames for eyes; let’s not even talk about the crazy lip rings they adorn themselves with. They have brilliant quotes on how love should be, that put together with the fact that they are very low key in their affairs makes them the most likely of all the couples to last long enough.
Town gossips: Future Mr. and Mrs. Chief
They might as well put their seats at the head of the town baraza or meeting because they are in with all the latest gossip. I’m talking about that couple that knows every other couple’s affair, or if they do not, create affairs for them. Go to their lair of all things rumors and estate affairs where you will get the down low on anyone. He has connections with all the DJ’s and MC’s, since his side hustle is organizing events for university students, while she only needs to hear a name to go off ranting about a poor soul who barely knows her. In future, they will most likely be a politician and wife (husband), or if they are unlucky, Mr. and Mrs. Chief.
Picture perfect: Ken and Barbie
Yes, I am talking about the picture perfect couple that has us drooling over their Instagram page. They are so sweet that simply looking in their direction can give you a cavity. They own a joint YouTube channel where they document their daily escapades, luxurious vacations all served with a side of their couple morning routine. You spend your leisure time thinking of how angelic their children will look, yet deep down, although you may never admit it, he has ruined any chances of dating because the bar has been set, unfortunately many men fall short. To make you feel better about yourself, your jealousy rears its ugly head and whispers to you ‘Wataachana tu”, they will just break up shenanigans.
Making due
Although it is a matter up for debate, marriage is a scheme made by society to fool people into cohabitation, but I digress. While others have a ‘new year new me’ list they need to worry about, they have to worry about paying off the wedding loan they took and other expenses associated with having a spouse, as a wedding blessing from The Millennial, may you survive 2019.

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