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Bottomline: You have no apology for marrying an ‘ugly’ wife ; one only wears a shoe that fits his feet not oversize or undersized ones.Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

I have been to weddings, multiple weddings some as an invited guest but mostly as an accompanying guest (accompanying the real invited guest) though sometimes  I attend weddings to break dietary monotony.

When was the last time I talked to a butcher ,the last time I ate meat in a homely setup was when I visited my folks otherwise since I moved out of my parents house the closest I have come to a meaty meal is Sossi, yes Sossi that convenient nutrient rich carefully selected natural soybeans from Promasidor Group. If it looks like meat then its meat….

Who is marrying who is none of my business as long as there are  beautiful view only women in the lineup; the bridesmaids and food yes food I don’t usually have the once in a lifetime opportunity to sample on an ordinary day. The women in the lineup don’t matter much if the food is ‘FOOD’ since they are on a view only format thanks to their revealing marry me next please attires.

Furthermore where will I get their numbers even if I was interested I won’t be there for the evening after party ,however, as for the food there are no two ways about it. What happens at the serving point is between me and the caterer in-charge.

Here I was attending my first wedding as an active participant in the lineup as a groomsman. We all have that one friend whom we will escort to the altar willingly or unwillingly considering his number of night outs with the crew are bound to reduce drastically more so if he is the one who caters for ‘drinks na mayengs’.

I had to come through for my guy though I prefer being in the guest tent as an ordinary guest. Being in the lineup as part of the bridal party restricts your ability to sample what the wedding has to offer culinary-wise as you will be seated at the high-table consuming what has been served whilst complaining to yourself internally though its the best food according to the service provider standards.

What they don’t know is I only eat animal proteins in such settings ‘nyama haipandwi’, meat isn’t planted. Either way I will make private arrangements with the caterer for special treatment upfront.

Thanks to the lineup which is a through pass, I have a clear sight on goal; personally requesting for the digits of any bridesmaid of choice thanks to the unlimited platform and conducive enabling environment spending a lot of time together planning the wedding from selection of songs,vetting service providers,practicing dance moves for those of us with two left legs to which photo shoot ground will blend better with the wedding attire.

Here we were, at least one of my close friends was getting married unlike women who gossip men exchange and compare notes. He had surprised all of us from his pool of beautiful girlfriends he choose the unlikely one, the one who was bottom of the table. One who we have never gone out with,one we had never seen. Just like other guests we saw her properly during the wedding she was 90% absent during the wedding preparation period attending two or is three committee meetings.

We all knew he was on multiple tariffs but he chose a tariff that none of us expected, ours was to support him fully not to question his decision just to accompany him to the alter.  His Wife+His choice= His Life……

Although he later explained to us during his bachelor’s night that one only wears shoes that fit him not oversize or undersize ones in his words ‘mtu huvaa kiatu inamtosha si ile itamfinya au kubwa kuliko mguu yake.’Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

After which we will do the damage control as part of the bro code, explaining to the trail of disappointed girlfriends left behind. How we were also caught unawares by his decision as we were only invited for the wedding as guests in the last minute coincidentally we had bought similar attires somehow. Only to be told by one of his estranged girlfriends how Kenyan men are the 8th wonder of the world; they date supermodels only to marry dragons.

At least dragons don’t eat pizza,ask for salon money, set Villa Rosa Kempinsky standards, blackmail you to send fare or they won’t show up for a date as they bother you left right and centre…


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