Photo courtesy of Teddy Mmasi

Bottomline: Cartoons bring children together,football brings men together, corruption brings politicians together, what really brings women together?

Curtains have finally come down, the regular football season is over, she knows it, thus I have no reason to sneak out to spend time with the boys. Football the mother of all ‘evils’ is often a good excuse of not staying home during the weekend, now that the season is over I have no concrete reason of stepping out unless I create another excuse, another excuse such as being a die hard Formula one and Dubai Grand Prix spectator. An excuse she wouldn’t buy anyway…..

For three months I am just going to be around her the whole weekend, don’t get me wrong I love her but being around her for two days full time (Saturday and Sunday) is a bit hectic and unbearable considering all the shenanigans that come with it. Unless I want a combination of high blood pressure, ulcers and heart attack; only those in such an arrangement known as marriage can understand my current position.

Weekend with my boys whom she has constantly accused of being bad influences towards my overall character since they aren’t married or have serious girlfriends. Her main worry is their womanizing nature; changing girlfriends faster than hairstyles, would I join the club of changing women or have I began the process already she wondered though she never bothered to ask me directly. She always hinted that in case she found out I had mistresses all over like them (my boys) she would leave, never to come back again.

I will only be seeing her on Viusasa. You will have to choose between me and them, she often threatened once in a while when I insist we were going to watch football at a local joint, just football I always promised though I am always dropped home when I am drunk beyond recognition…

You have to be focused since you are now a family man she would picket as I find my way to our marital bed few minutes before darkness paves way for the sun. You just went to watch football she would satirically comment as she clicks closing the main door after I come in. Your food is already on the table just open the hot pot the food is there. How could I eat when I had filled my stomach with roasted meat, nyama choma?

So I always went to sleep slumbering to dreamland as her faint remonstrating vents of how she got married to cook chicken not to cook for chicken. The food will be given to chicken anyway, I wasn’t touching it by the way. This had been the cycle during the regular soccer season, now I had no reason to go out with the boys, with what excuse anyway. Weekend zero grazing mode was now 100% activated, I would be around and about the house during all weekends for about three months, until next season.

That wasn’t going to be a problem at least I would get time to bond with my five month son whom I haven’t had time with since he was brought forth to this Chinese debt ridden country of theirs, or is it ours now. Considering I misused the 14 day paternal leave I was accorded when he was born I thought this would be the perfect time to make up for the 14 days ( 2 days in 12 weeks that’s a total of 24 days daddy-baby familiarization tour).

Personally I can’t remember how I spent the 14 days, anyway I was going to make it up to him, I just remember lying to her how my employer doesn’t take into consideration that ‘nonsense’ called paternal leave.

What really bothers women? They can’t just give you peace even when you are peaceful. On the first full weekend home with no footballing action I opted for the daddy-baby familiarization tour which had already been conceptualized as a way of passing time when referees are on vacation. All of a sudden she pops up from nowhere with her nonsensical shenanigans throwing tantrums of how I have not been there for her as I used to when were dating.

As berserk as she was I opted not to engage in a war of words I wasn’t going to win under normal room temperature and pressure. I normally don’t listen to her tantrums, if I was the listening type maybe this marriage would have been dead and buried long ago. My attention was elsewhere as she addressed herself thinking she was addressing me, inattentive I was to the extent that I agreed to accompany her to the salon unknowingly.

It’s our time to go now, she said as she took the child and handed him to the house help. Our time to go, where I asked myself as I picked the car keys from the table. So here I was accompanying her to the salon. The last time I was made to perform such a maneuver was some 3 years ago, that was when she was a girlfriend before she was promoted to her current position. That time I just dropped her and went to pick her later in the day, today I was to drop her, wait for her to be braided, manicured and pedicured.

This could take some significant time, so I bought a newspaper to read as time tortoised by. I couldn’t wait inside the salon so I excused myself as I requested for an extra seat to be placed at the veranda. The seat was brought, though I never expected them to have an extra seat for me to ‘idle’ on as I read the day’s newspaper. I banked on the unavailability of the seats considering how salons are usually filled to capacity over weekends.I couldn’t get a valid excuse to go for an unsanctioned tour at a nearby joint. My escape plan was aborted, I had to sit out with my cap at an angle of 130 degrees to hide my face from anyone who might be familiar.

The chilling weather wasn’t doing me any favors, I left the house donning shorts which was part of my default weekend starter-pack, dozing off after I had read out the newspaper wasn’t an option. So I just sat there wondering what kind of test this daughter of Delilah was putting a descendant of Samson through.

Turning to my phone for solace, I was welcomed with the battery low alert which sent it automatically to power saver mode. I was stranded, I couldn’t take my phone inside for charging so I returned it to my pocket. It will be a very long day indeed……

As time turtled by, my attention was drawn by their topic of discussion or is it gossip area.I pretended to doze off so that they won’t censor the topic or talk in coded language that will make it very difficult for me to decipher the information. One client brought up the topic on how to deal with a husband who is a serial cheat with multiple clandestine lovers. She claimed to be asking for a friend, but women being women they can’t ask for such a ‘spiritual guidance’ on behalf of a friend. Their selfish nature can’t allow them to go to that level for a friend no matter how close they are. She was asking for herself but using her friend as a scapegoat.

She knew details of the clandestine lovers; their names, ages, what they do to eke out a living, how often they are visited by the hubby to where they live. Yet she was asking for a friend somehow. The clientele and saloonists started sharing ideas on how her ‘friend’ may deal with the situation from individually paying a visit to the MPKs (Mpango Wa Kandos) side dishes accompanied by well dressed fearfully created thugs who have private faces threatening them with ‘I will Kill you if you continue sleeping with my husband’ to witchcraft all coming with referrals and success stories of clients who did that making their husbands tore the line making their marriages a bed of roses.

Ideas continued to flow on how to take care of the situation some were berserk as they entailed tit for tat antics like acquiring toyboys who will be servicing her as revenge for the randy ways of her husband. I listened on as women (mis)Advised each other as I waited for my wife to chip in her contribution that will bring sanity to the topic that was not savoury. My wishes were granted; cometh the hour, cometh the woMAN.

“I can’t be stressed by a person who has 32 teeth, If I were her I would just buy poison which will be used to spice up his food dealing with the nuisance once and for all. After which I will bribe the pathologist who will carry out the autopsy to write on the post-mortem examination that he died of a mild heart attack.” Her contribution was brief and out of this world it made me to wake up from my perceived slumber, go inside the salon request that it was our time to leave though she hadn’t finished yet.

We drove home without talking to each other, she thought I had embarrassed her by hurriedly asking her to leave the salon though deep down my perception towards her had changed forever from today henceforth I wasn’t going to eat food served on my plate when I come home late, I would rather wake my son up so that he can have a bite. I wasn’t taking chances.




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