Photo: Courtesy

Bottomline: The ‘curvaceous’ distraction presented itself, nothing confuses a Kenyan man than a beautiful voluptuous woman who fulfills the ‘Nyuma iko sawa’ philosophy.

Walking out of a club with a fine girl you just met is the best feeling for any man.Your drunk self doesn’t realize that while you went there for leisure,the girl is out on business. The girls here are usually vixens who will act seductively around you when you show potential (rich kid syndrome) of course,men being men,you will not say no to such a fine package.

You ensure continuous supply of booze buying her drinks of her choice no matter their unit price (which they never say no to),you greedily gulp as you try to speed up the exit process. She tries as much as possible not get too drunk or blackout so that when you offer to take her home to get value for your money as you call it a night,she gladly accepts as she can now put her cards in play.

Many have lived to tell tales which made them quit drinking alcohol.Max, a young successful lad whose money flows from one hand to another,lives in the Kilimani estate where security is very tight with around the clock surveillance with professional security personnel who keep records of who enters or leaves the estate. We all know how it goes in those estates where the middle and upper social class reside.

Max is a testimony of how leaving a club with a random beauty can turn out to be an ugly experience. Coming out of a fresh break up with his girlfriend of two years with a lot of bitterness surrounding the whole ‘situationship’ issue. Visiting a nearby club to clear his head while at it he is approached by this curvaceous girl, all he just needed was a distraction.The ‘curvaceous’ distraction presented itself, nothing confuses a Kenyan man than a beautiful voluptuous woman who fulfills the ‘Nyuma iko sawa’ philosophy.

Giving her the drunk vibes as she continuously laughs at all his nonsense, we all know how women in this country can laugh at all your jokes when you have money willing to spend on them. Things happened so fast they were already requesting for an Uber chap chap to  Max’s home. Uber never disappoints when a man is in need like a brother in deed they came through for a brother in need.They had a driver on standby as they always do who was to change the location from the noisy lounge to a homely environment where important matters that can’t be discussed in the presence of deejays,revelers and bar attendants. Its 2 am by the way…..

Ushered in by the security guards since Max was in good books with them. They drunkenly make out along the stairs as they approached the second floor headed to Max’s house. The lady offers to make coffee once inside, however, she spikes the coffee with “mchele’, not the ordinary rice but that coma-inducing drug that sends Max to slumber land.

Calling her boys who are ‘logistics experts’ to take care of ransacking Max’s house transporting everything. There’s a problem,the security personnel manning the apartment main gate. She quickly thinks on her feet coming up with a master plan of making spiked coffee for the security personnel as a kind gesture which will give them some warmth against the cold night. They pass out minutes later giving the logistic boys free pass to clear the house taking with them everything leaving the house as empty as a desert.

Tenants woke up to an open gate with the security personnel deep in slumber lying lifeless,they assume,outside their gate house.They surround them wondering what had transpired as they never had any struggle between the assailants and the security personnel. Attempts to wake them up prove futile. Max rushed downstairs ranting of being robbed other tenants stood there as they looked by more confused wondering if this polite soft spoken tenant (MAX) had gone berserk.

One guard regained consciousness waking up only to find himself being surrounded by tenants. All he could remember was the kind gesture from Max’s ‘girlfriend’. They all get what had happened basically game over.His narration is backed up by the CCTV footage which was retrieved from the control room. I think next time they won’t accept coffee as a gesture of kindness ever again. The girl had out shined all of them,that goes unsaid.Only the police can use the footage to trace the lorry that liquidated Max’s house alongside the men in black. Considering how the police in this part of the world operate, Max should forget about his home theater,leather seats and 75 inch Samsung TV.

As a guy who is much of a bust lover,you might want to stop sucking them after you hear Kyle’s story. ”I managed to go home with this girl I picked up from a club, of course I had to lock the house once we were inside hiding the keys so that she won’t run change the game in the middle of the night. All excited we were ready to hit the sheets. Obsessed, I suck her busts. I feel dizzy but I shelve the thought blaming it on the alcohol. How I slept I cannot tell but I remember waking up to an empty house as I slept like a baby on the cold floor. All my furniture and electronics had gone, exchanged ownership definitely. ” This is also another thing,they don’t just put it in your drink,they can apply it on their bodies for you to ingest it directly. Well,Kyle has not quit drinking,but has quit his love for girls who sway their waists in clubs as they gaze at you seductively. Yeah,that one experience makes you hate something forever, this was his.

Men never want to look less witty in front of their ladies,but when this happens,they never talk about it. It was particularly hard for Trap to tell us his story,thanks to my persistent nature. He says of how stupid his case was, how “alibebwa ufala” by a girl. He was going back to one of the city hostels where he resides one evening after school when a CR-V pulls over. The lady driving it,who is very young,lowers the window greeting him.She asks for directions which Trap offers help in abundance explaining to her before saying he is going in that direction and could take her.

She hurriedly agrees as Trap hops in the CR-V. They drive off reaching the shopping centre where the lady says she needs to fuel the vehicle. She also needs to get some wine for the people she is going to visit. She asks Trap to go buy her a bottle of wine at the one stop shop in that gas station while she fuels her car. He wants to go with the laptop bag but she says there’s no need since they are almost arriving at their destination. Plus he will just spot her while inside the shopping mart.

Reluctantly he agrees to do this getting into the mart to pick the wine.Hardly had he gone inside the mart when the lady drove off speedily without even lighting the headlights,for him to read the registration number of the car. Just like that,he watched helplessly as his phone,laptop and other things he had in his back pack speed off with a woman in a car. Looks are deceiving…..

Young men are victims of these incidences on a daily basis. Some learn while others don’t. Cities are where these things happen regularly so one has to be think twice before talking to anyone in town to your humble abode. Nairobi is the city, Nairobbery is what the people make it.


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