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Bottomline: Diapers are damn expensive, on a second thought I would have opted for contraceptives since have never thought of abortion, however the way my son has turned out that second thought has been a rendered null and void.

Nothing scares a woman who has persevered the most substandard sex in her lifetime only to be ghosted a few months later with her so called lover claiming baby diapers are expensive. Diapers are damn expensive, on a second thought I would have opted for contraceptives since have never thought of abortion, however the way my son has turned out that second thought has been a rendered null and void. He is the best thing to have happened in my life….

That kind of woman is a formidable force turning out into a fearless creature staying woke at all times. Alert and protective of herself when she gets betrayed for the second time with an ex-lover that boasts of nothing but reeking pits with unclean skin then later ends up stealing from her.

That type of woman has seen it all; be it traitors, liars, crafty cons,cheats, cowards, batterers, demons the list is endless as she has encountered them all. She knows it when the games are being played. She sees through the eyes of a man thus can never be demeaned unless she allows for it to happen. She becomes quite defensive ready to walk out the moment her instincts show her a red flag.

That woman is me. Even though sometimes I badly want to let loose from her even just for a second. So glad for the paths I have trodden plus the healing I have achieved from being that woman.

I have outgrown my little fears over the past few years. The tragedies I thought I could never overcome have come to pass. Have fought them with the strength I never knew I possessed. Having passed through the hands of boys masquerading as men, I have rested my head on well-built chests, void with no hearts, Spent sleepless nights shedding tears over lost love. I have been betrayed umpteenth times, after all that guess who is ready to open her heart again and let it melt in love!

I will not allow the doings of an inconsiderate human get in the way of my happiness. Letting myself to be loved, is that happiness. I will not hesitate to let destiny take its course but before that, I just need to ensure that the bitter part of my history never repeats itself to back that up, here is a piece of my mind; that crazy notion of generalizing all men as dogs is lame thus it should go with the wind. Only a few of them are foolish enough to toy with an innocent heart.

I never understood why he named me strobe lite – I am talking about the diaper broke guy, remember him? – I never asked why either. All I wanted was to be loved, seizing the love how he fashioned and expressed it. Questioning him was a risk to losing the relationship, he had made that clear. I still ask myself how I managed to stoop that low.

Th fear of losing someone in a relationship that was not even concrete to begin with. He threatened to leave me for somebody else if I never showed up for sex, not to mention the fact that he was terrible at it. My novels had shown me what was satisfactory sex, he was not anywhere close to it. He even made me trash romantic novels because they now seemed like illusions claiming that satisfactory sex never existed in real life.

Yes, I was naïve and timid, so what? I feared a lot. Fear made me settle for less, not only once but twice, I send my pleas to the Holy Heavens to have mercy on me thus setting me free from the third, better yet, make it non existent.

Four years down the line, I am ready to celebrate. Just so you know, my birthday is around the corner, precisely twenty days from today. I would love for it to be marked with fearless adventures. My life would suck if someone would gift me a ‘time of my life’ at a nightclub on my birthday at this point in life.

I have suffered enough hangovers for me to be treated to ounces of alcohol coupled by eardrum assault from booming dance hall music. I do not want the sun to rise on the day after my birthday to find me still stuffed under the sheets with stale make up with a horrid stinking breathe. I do not want to drag myself out of bed past noon like a heavy female rhinoceros in the name of ‘I had a party last night.’

If you have to involve alcohol on my birthday then kindly do something out of the ordinary like taking me to a winery, treating me to an experience of first class wine tasting, you will be an angel whom I will surely owe a similar or even a better treat. Or better yet, just buy the alcohol then bring it home to me, which will be a delightful gesture.

Life in the club is exciting sometimes relieving. I mean, you could even meet potential employers! But who needs it for a special birthday party? It is all about preference here, a birthday party at a nightclub is just not my thing.

One more thing I don’t need questions such as, ‘kuna bash ama? ‘and the likes during my birthday. Excuse me people! Sina plans! I might as well just get myself a piñata filled with cheap candies and chocolates. Hit away all the pressures of adulthood before finally get it all out of my head, wishing that instead of candies falling out once the energy-consuming banging is done, I would be getting dollar bills and tickets to a breathtaking gate away experience at the Bahamas instead!

If I were to ride on a wish horse for my birthday, then I would go on a wild ride. That is exactly how I would wish for it to be. I want it to be the day that I defeat my fear factor engaging in everything fearful. I want it to be the day that I tackle my fears. Go to the snake park and carry a 100 inch, 200 pounds anaconda on my shoulders then feed it a meat ball or whatever thing they feed on, from my palms.

I want to go parasailing above the oceans breathing air from above, probably let go of the sling spreading my arms afloat. I want to scream out all my fears from there and let it all out. I want to be an adrenaline junkie going to the extremes of bungee jumping, I want to feel my body hairs stick out from their pores, rub my skin and feel the goose bumps from the numbness of my palms. I would like to charge up, let myself play rough characterizing myself as boundless and fearless finding exemplary pride in it. Wait, let me not be reminded that wishes are horses ’cause I am riding on one already.

I am an emotionally firm person with a heart that is always ready to get attached to an equally willing heart. I still get sentimental whenever I listen to Shania Twain’s, You’re Still the One even after listening to it since childhood.

I still ‘count sheep’ whenever I find trouble sleeping. Sounds like a person with a soft heart but fear remains. So I pray that some day somebody loving with good intentions will occupy this delicate heart of mine. My ex-lovers were never on the wrong, they were just re-doing what they do best, I just happened to be the current prey at play. As a matter of fact, I am the one who made wrong choices. I already feel like I am on my way up there, Glory be to God.


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