CRUSHed

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Photo: Courtesy

Bottomline: I miss his word game,waking up to the sweet poems written just as he watched me sleep

“Natamani tukuwe poa,nieleze kama nimenoa,ili kwako niweze rejea,usiseme no.” Waking up the next day,my mood got sombre when I opened that WhatsApp message. He sent it as an audio, a song by H_ART the band I know all the cool kids from leafy suburbs are asking themselves who are they (H_ART the band) its the first time they are coming across such a name.

There is something about guys who apologize for things they haven’t done which makes them even more lovable. It felt bad having to say goodbye without having a pretty good reason behind it. It was his place, his life,his style but I couldn’t fit in and I saw it fit walking away rather than changing him. I was wrong…..

We meet again in a group discussion, he glows upon seeing me. I was a little late thus he signals me to go sit beside him, I had no otherwise so I obliged, come to think of it I am yet to arrive on time for any academic group discussion but am always on time for those weekly chit chat getaways.

Unsure on how to start the conversation, we just hug like it is the norm in campus. Seated in front of us is my ‘crush’,my ‘weakness’, Love of my Life (LOML) or so I tell myself, his FRIEND. Inside me excitement and nervous are fighting to overshadow each other at the same time. You know the kind of fix you are in when you have friends who both want to have the man you like. What is it with friends crushing for the same guy as if men are edging to extinction? Are we using the same lenses to gauge potential soulmates?

You really can’t decide because you are afraid of either breaking your friendship or choosing one later on realizing that you made a very big mistake but it’s already too late thus nothing can be done about it.

The group discussion is over, he is there telling me how long it has been since we last saw each other there I was explaining how busy I have been (not true) of course. My crush turns to us, it feels good when he hugs me tightly after not seeing each other for a long time. We had been talking over the holidays by phone but we never really got to hang out because we met at the end of the semester. I feel good, distracted from focusing on the guy I have been avoiding. All three of us start engaging in a conversation and “phew!” I sigh in relief.

As we are walking, I laugh heartily at my crush’s jokes, he notices it as he walks behind us. He then joins the other groups members. Watching as my crush and I talk with admiration. I notice it but I shelve the thought. All along I know what am doing is not right but I am scared of facing the truth. How do I tell the guy that I don’t like his lifestyle? He is ever high,he rarely mops his house,he doesn’t uphold cleanliness plus he ain’t my type of guy. He is sweet and all but sometimes love is just never enough.

That night,he uploads a status update which am sure is about me but I don’t want to sound petty so I just read it and say nothing. I have a feeling I should say something but I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to but I really don’t know what to say. He chose to speak his mind in form of a song,sent in the middle of the night,and there I am feeling crushed inside me after listening to it. I really need help, do I tell him the truth or will I be too mean by doing so? He is not even my boyfriend but why does it hurt so bad? We don’t talk anymore. I miss his word game,waking up to the sweet poems written just as he watched me sleep. I messed up.

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