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Bottomline: My ears are slowly getting exhausted from hearing ‘we will call you’ as am slowly getting tired of ‘faking’ politeness at the end of every interview process.

My nap times are not what they used to be anymore. I could mask my eyes, insert in the thickest and puffiest ear plugs adjusting my neck pillow to the peak of comfort but I’d still be tossing and turning to the noisy chatters of inconsiderate neighbors moving from one couch to the other in search for less wood and more cushion; a basic translation for comfort and relaxation.

Accustomed to siestas on the couch, seated, with my back slanting supported by a pillow, a perfect example of ‘how not to sit on a couch’, probably because my intuition subconsciously believes that lying down on beds are strictly during the night and maybe as a doctor’s prescription for a bed rest.

You might be wondering why on earth a jobless graduate would be shutting down her system on a sunny Wednesday afternoon when she should be grinding, editing her resume, sending application letters, knocking on doors, rehearsing for an audition, trying to put her life together or even trying to be handy or creative.

I could say I have a flexible schedule with a lot of time on my hands but that might translate to laziness so I would rather just put the old adage – all work with no play makes Jack a dull boy – to work because I do work, only that I am not paid for it but I sure do a lot of work, ask me about my typical day and you will see.

Envisioning a number of happenings in my life but have never placed myself in positions of unemployment and joblessness, perhaps we could also give it a more degrading term like idleness, according to how my brutal aunt terms it. I am bothered by that woman, everything she says is so disturbing that I almost fear saving her phone number to my contact list.

She is always the ‘bad cop’ when it comes to discipline. I could also label her a villain but that would definitely make me the disrespectful niece so I will refrain from that. She once told me she could help me find a job at her company, my papers did not matter. She would secure me ‘a good place’ but in return I had to share my salary 50/50 with her, always fuel her car plus being available to babysit her three kids during the weekends. So much for a blood relation.

A battle I am going to win it somehow. At this point I am dealing with what every woman my age must be going through; temptations, failures, confusion, crises, insecurities, torments, assaults, name it. It does not help the situation when a lecherous man twice or worse, thrice your age stops his Lexus SUV, ogles at you asking if he could give you a ride.

With only two hundred shillings with a water bottle half-filled with tap water in your sun-beaten, worn out leather back pack you have had since college. The rumbles in your gut betray every single ‘no-thank-you-am-ok’ that you keep reiterating every single time someone lends a hand because you trust no one, not even your own self.

Figuring the make-up kit you possess and how it is losing its meaning each day, your hair is a mess, but thank God you have ways of hiding the mess. You have not gotten yourself anything new for a long time you-don’t-remember-when. Convincing yourself that money is all you need at the moment, lack of it is what is making you miserable yet you see a capability of it coming your way in plenty if only you say yes and hop in.

On a second thought you decide to be the respectable daughter you are not thus cannot let your momma down by getting into this expensive luxurious car for a disgraceful exchange, she raised you better plus, who knows how it might end?

I can swear that I will not back out nor break down in this struggle but I sincerely cannot tell how long that might last or if I will be able to keep up with it for the longest time. I got a thirst too. My pledges can sometimes come out with weaknesses manifested with a shaky voice.

Hard times, I dearly hope, will not change my mind or get me settling for less for I have come a long way already thus I cannot bear the thought of trashing all my hard work or exposing my candle to the wind. My ears are slowly getting exhausted from hearing ‘we will call you’. Slowly getting tired of ‘faking’ politeness at the end of every interview process.

Sometimes I even wonder if this is what I attained my papers for; seeking employment in futility! I am not whining nor complaining, far from it I am deeply pissed at this point I just can’t wait to lift myself out of this situation, once and for all.

This is not what I pictured when my mum was fitting the mortar board on my head. I never imagined I would hustle day and night when she held my gown together with a pin fixing the creases. When she told me how proud she was of me for making it as a graduate, I never knew I would sit on the couch, months later, munching popcorns, stuffing myself with ice cream, chocolates while solving crossword puzzles for the better part of the day. I thought my life was sorted,my struggles were beginning to end, silly of me to think in that direction.

With all these going on, I think it is a wise move sometimes to just sit, relax and believe. Good heavens. Fairy tales could come in handy at such times. Let no one tell me that fantasies are not healthy, kindly, I am just trying to put my pieces together thus such imaginations calm me down.

How could adulthood be this cruel when childhood was so sweet, easy and lovely? No wonder I always feel at peace whenever I listen to the songs I used to listen to when I was a child.The world was young and welcoming. When all I knew was love, hope, healing and purity.

The other thing that connects me to those times are the dreams I get when my eyes are closed.Every chance I get I travel back to those times through a deep daytime naps never finding harm, before you judge me, just let me nap in peace, dear Miss/ Mr. life coach. Now that my sleep feels strange and less comfortable unlike before, I guess I have no other choice but to live in the present while focusing in the future. Eyes on the prize I can say.

Everything will be alright soon,just a little patience and determination, I will forge ahead finally holding a hand over my chest heaving a sign of relief…

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The beauty of my youth is what drives my desire to grow older because I'm always convinced that when it fades, there will be a whole new chapter of beauty waiting; the beauty of old age. Sounds ironical, right? But that's what I'm made of. I'm a puzzle that's difficult to solve. The out-going introvert and the fire that cannot be quenched with water. It's hard to be me at times but my enthusiasm for life always keeps me tracking and reminding me that I gotta be just me and nobody else. That's the reason why I like to show to the world what I'm made of and the adventures this world has taken me through.


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